Brochure Speak ~ Don't you just love it!!
Jon Hartley takes a wry look at brochure speak.
Many reading this will at some stage in their career had to write brochure copy, and racked their brains to come up with saying the same thing in a dozen ways.
Just how many ways are there of covering the final day, when “Sadly we depart and make our way home, via ???”
I love it, and try to read between the lines to see the true meaning.
The following is what it could mean in the UK or hotter climates.
A ‘Cosy Bar’ means it seats 6 in a cupboard, and ‘Popular with locals’, means it’s full of the local drunks who hate tourists getting in their way.
‘Colourful Nighlife’ translates as the hotel is next to a night club that stays open ‘til dawn, with shouting screaming and public displays of urination and worse.
‘Quiet and Secluded’ means you are cut off from everything, and a ‘stone’s throw from the beach’ is yes it is, but only if you can open the bowling for England.
‘Local decor’ translates as every bedroom appears to have a red dado rail, but is in fact proof that they are so small there really isn’t room to swing a cat, and ‘Local Specialities’ in the Restaurant means the ‘chef’ (when sober), will only cook what he knows, which will bear no relation to what is on the menu.
‘Character Bar’ means there is a low beam on the way in with no warning, and ‘Only a short bus ride from the old town’ is true, but the bus only operates on the day you depart – and only the wrong way.
Our ‘carefree excursion’ to the big city will take us on roads so dangerous that they should be in Bolivia, and the Local Representative is certainly that – and doesn’t speak a word of English, chain smokes, dresses like Rab C Nesbit, and has a strong body odour problem.
The lift last worked in 1986 (when fitted), and the ‘Themed Outdoor Pool’ is themed with broken plastic chairs, tiles, and a greasy film on the water you could almost walk on.
‘The Local Life’ includes a colony of feral cats, stray dogs, and a couple of donkeys that no one wishes to claim ownership of – all very friendly should you make the mistake of eating out in the street, and the ‘Cooled Air Devise’ in the bar turns out to be a tame bat on a piece of string.
‘Complimentary Newspaper’ is in the local language, or is so old Chamberlain has just returned from Munich, and ‘Pets Welcome’ appears to include the colony of ants marching through the restaurant, and the two dead bed bugs you found under your pillow. They were bad enough, but a couple of dozen others have come to the funeral.
‘Local Speciality Shopping’ means that M and S and Tesco’s have arrived, and the ‘Local Culture’ can be found on your cutlery.
A ‘Telephone in Every Room’ is certainly there, where calls are £1/1Euro per 10 seconds, and it gives morning calls at various times without request. This is perhaps just as well, as the ‘Daily Maid Service’ is only available 6 am to 8 am, when the maid becomes the waitress.
The In-house Local Entertainment in the UK will be Sid on this organ and Dick on his drum, playing a medley of their hit, or in Europe the chefs daughter dancing a traditional (to her) dance to a warped tape, or the local locksmith singing in every key bar the right ones. (I was going somewhere with that but lost my way..) Generally entertainment in resort hotels tends to be Middle Eastern – mostly Shi-ite.
I once had to listen to a group who boasted they had recently played at a U2 Concert! What great reunions those German submariners must have!
(Both of the above borrowed from Humphrey Lyttleton, sadly missed)
The ‘views from every bedroom’ include a brick wall, fire escape (wooden), the Nightclub of course, and a house where a very nice lady sits in the window by a red light, and appears to be popular with local gentlemen.
Reading this you will not find it surprising that some operators go to professional copy writers, who, with the aid of years of experience, a thesaurus, dictionary, and a bit of ‘nouse’ conjure up several ways of saying the same thing. This is no mean art, as those of you who have had to write brochure copy may acknowledge.
The sad thing is that however many times you have read it, however many times other people have read it, it is only when it is printed that the most glorious mistakes make themselves known!
We all have our favourite hates, and my top two are folk who insist it is Weston Super Mare or Stratford Upon Avon, when it should be super and upon with lower case, and the spelling of Middlesbrough as Middlesborough.
So, sadly now I depart, and hope this has at least raised a smile, but to all of you who are copy writing at the moment, or have it look forward to (again), good luck, and may the typo’s be in your favour!
